Jumper

A few days ago, I stood at the edge of a cliff. I stared into the distance and wondered on what the people who lived there so long ago thought about in the place I stood. I crouched and peered down to ground below, where I had dropped my water bottle. I was waiting for a friend to circle the cliff and wait for me at the bottom. I planned to slide down the cliff and hopefully land unscathed at the bottom.

The friend on whom I was waiting had once tried the same thing. He had slid faster than he imagined he was going to, hit the rocks near the bottom and tumbled the rest of the way down the cliff. He didn’t break anything but he was hurt. He asked me to wait at the top until he circled around and could catch me if I too, slid to quickly.

While he was walking around, being who I am, it certainly crossed my mind to slide down rather than wait, but wait I did. He got to the place we expected me to land and I began my slide. I was wearing crocs and was not prepared for the amount of speed I would gain so quickly on my decent. When I hit the bottom with my feet, I hit my shoulder into the cliff wall to slow myself. It wasn’t enough to stop me. Thankfully, he was there to catch me or I certainly may have shared his previous fate.

It is a rare thing to find a friend who is there to catch you when you fall. It is a rare person indeed who will teach from their failings without pretense but with a genuine concern for another. I am lucky to have such a good friend.

I recognize how difficult it is to be in certain positions in life. I know that at times, the struggle does not seem worth the results. The simple fact is, the world needs heroes, it needs good people. We don’t get spider man or superman, we get good men and women. We get good friends to comfort us, to talk to without judgment. We get good times and video games. We get nights out at bars with people that you know have your back. We get to treat others how we would like to be treated, even if we aren’t treated so well. Good people get to sit back with the simple knowledge, that no matter what anyone would have done for them, they did the right thing. Some times that hurts but they have the strength to over come. My friend, you have the strength to over come.

No matter what else, you have been a good friend and have shown me a person that does more good than harm. I have met a person that would be a good person, even in a world without consequence. I said in another post that I have confused kindness for weakness in my life. I have admitted how wrong I was and I hope that you know the difference as well. Thanks for all you do.

Success

I can't decide if I'm and idiot, a genius, weak or strong....

It has been quite some time since I have written anything. The past few months have been a bit of a roller coaster for me. I sit on the verge of losing my house, I can barely make rent at my apt, I am very confused by certain aspects of my life and by certain people right now and I struggle everyday to fit into a place I don’t really feel like I belong.

Through all of these ‘failings’ of late, I have been thinking a lot. What is it that drives me? Why do I do the things I do? How do I end up in these positions? What is it I hope to accomplish or become? What does it truly mean to succeed? Who do I want to be?

I feel I have found some of my answers. I have found them in a place I should have been looking to the entire time. I looked to someone I have known my whole life. I learned many things from them. I learned charity, I learned sacrifice and to put others before self. At times I have mistaken kindness for weakness. That is a mistake I should not make.

It is not weak to suffer for others to rejoice. It is not weak to stand in the mud to lift others high. In-fact, it is quite the opposite. I see that it takes a strong person to watch what they want disappear so they can see a smile in another’s life. It takes a strong person to live with the fear they may not have enough so others can get by.

I have watched this person save lives. I have seen the impact of their deeds. I have seen this person give and never ask. I have seen this person get slighted by the one’s they saved. I have watched this person cry tears of anger, happiness, fear and joy. I have said things to lift this person’s spirit and I have hurt them so many times. We have suffered together. We have cried together and shared our lives’ greatest moments. This person taught me to be a good person. They taught me how to stand while holding others.

Though we both are still learning, I owe my life to you. You have given me everything I know. You have shown me strength I have never seen in another person.

You are a lesson to me still. You have shown me what success really is. Without you, there wouldn’t be as many smiles as there are in the world. Without you, children's lives would have fallen apart. Without you, I would not be the man I am today.

I know that through all of our struggles, everything is going to be wonderful someday. Because of the changes you have made in others, many lives are already wonderful.

I love you mom. Thanks for everything.

What Roads Lead Here?

I thought I would take a little bit of your time and tell you parts of what has lead me to the things I write here. I figure if you are still reading up to this point, you may just be interested in what I have to say. I am glad, I hope I help you down the best path for you. It isn't all here. Some things are to personal to share with the world. Only a few people know most of what there is to know and that is good enough for me. Some things in this are repeats from older posts but that is because this was the first thing I wrote along these lines. I have stolen from it since. Here goes:

I was raised as a Pentecostal. My mother was never super religious but most of my family is. I went to church fairly often and was a youth group kid. I really enjoyed the time spent with others in my age group; attending church lock ins and going to camp. The thing is, as I grew, I began to question the reasons we all gathered. As I made my way into the more adult like groups of the church, I saw and heard the gossip and the hypocrisy. I grew frustrated with the type of representation that God had here on the earth. My frustrations soon turned to doubt. ‘How could any being so powerful have so little control over what is done in its name?’ I wondered.

For that matter, it seemed to have little control over anything at all. I began to consider all that had happened in the world. I thought on all the things between the beginning of recorded history and now. I cried at the thoughts of the things I had seen in my time and could not begin to grasp at the understanding of horrors I had never faced. I thought on orphans and drug addicts. I pondered wars and hatred. I knew of slavery and saw racism. I began to rage that I was created without my approval.

I began to think of God in this way. If you were to see the one you hold most dear drowning in a lake and all you had to do was walk out and pick them up to save them, would you do it? It would have been such a simple task for God to save us all from drowning and yet our lungs are so full of water that we can’t breath. He could walk into this lake and take us to shore. Yet, he never does.

My doubts had become anger. I saw God for what he was and I hated him for it. I hated him for what we all are.

As is our nature, I could not rage forever. The fiery core of my soul began to cool and the hot embers of rage were exchanged for disbelief.

In all my frustrations and anger I never stopped to realize what it meant for me. I had never heard nor thought of caring for my soul. It was a thing intangible. I believed I had as little control over it as anything else in life.

None of the hate had ever made my life better.

I stayed awake at night, contemplating for hours on this. It was in my head and making me feel insane. It was all I thought about, it was the only thing I could concentrate on. I was consumed with this one simple thought; I should be better.

I have seen that great chasm that stretches between us and understanding. I have felt that yearning to scream that secret we all hold from the top of every mountain. I have felt great joys and seen great tragedy. I understand, and I too want to hold the belief that it all, somehow, matters.

I had heard, many years ago, a quote by which I claimed to want to live.
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Ghandi
I realized, I had never been living up this standard. I hadn’t been living up to my own standards in a long time. I have always wanted to be a better person. I’ve wanted to be significant. I wanted to recognize the significance of others. I now realize that we are all significant. We all help lead one another down our paths.

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare.” Lewis

I want to say, I understand. I know how easily the anger is fueled and how overwhelming and powerful it can be. I have said out loud how much I hate God and I have said how foolish people are to worship or even believe. I have hated people for these things. Though religion has not held for many years nor will ever hold again a place of respect in my chest, I now understand how needless the anger is. I see that, truly, the way to understanding is to teach, learn and grow together. We must never again shout our hatreds from the tops of our roofs but speak gently and with love. The path to wisdom does never meet that of hate but holds steady and strong in the face of our demons.

I do not believe in any man's God or gods or whatever but I will say that I have begun to see the possibility of God in a new light. No longer is he corrupted by the thoughts and actions of man but he is an observer or a conglomeration of all life. He sends no Hell fires burning to us nor does he look away. I understand now that, if God exists, he does watch us drown but it is up to us to swim to shore. We were given a dry lake bed and chose to stand in it while the waters rose. We are the creators of our world. We can choose tomorrow to end all wars and hunger. Instead, it seems we yearn to taste the bitter waters and feel it burn as we take that one last breath and sink into the darkness. All the while God waits to reach into the depths and pull us from the mire of our creation and to again allow our lights to shine.

After careful thought and much consideration, I have chosen to swim to shore and be that change I wish to see in the world. Thank you.

The Secret of Life

The secret of life is to have no secrets. To hold in darkness is to give it life and allow it to consume. To hold in joy and love is to smother a beautiful light that should be shared with the world.

We long to love and say how much we do. We long to touch the hand of a lover that we can’t get out of our minds. We long to share that moment of admittance as we stare into each other’s eyes for that first long time. For that first kiss we would do anything. Alas, I say, for the moments we long to share are forever lost to fear.

Instead of an embrace, we wave and say, “Hey.” Instead of a kiss, we simply walk away. Our looks linger just a moment to long. We say each other’s names when there is no need.

I know we have all felt this way. To love is not a shame, to hide it truly is the only sin.

Fear is the great divide between us and our truest desires. Fear of feeling a lack of acceptance, embarrassment or of being misunderstood. We limit our possibilities because we do not understand the reward for our risk. Our societies have placed limits on our ability to feel and understand each other. We stand alone for fear of breaking societal normalcy. Fear is a cage that does not allow us to grow.

If we need to weep, we should weep. If we need to scream, we should scream. If we love, we should admit it every chance we get. Love like there is no tomorrow, like there is nothing else in the world that matters.

The past is sometimes brutal but do not allow it to rule. We can not lose our hearts to lies. We can not lose our lives to fear. Learn from the past, do not settle into living for it. Do not be a slave to what was because there are so many better things that can be.

Dear Friend

It has been a while since I have written for the eyes of others. This is a thing I considered not posting. I think it is important though, to help us sometimes remember how others see the world. Sometimes we need to remember the humanity in others. If we carry burdens together, they are no longer to much to hold.

I was recently asked a question that broke my heart a little. I was asked “Do you think anyone will ever appreciate me?” by an old friend. This friend has been through a lot in life. A terrible life, by no means, but a difficult one at times.

You see, we talk about things that really matter. We share stories and thoughts that no one else will ever know. We have been through many ordeals together. Many times we have been the only rock the other has known.

He thinks he is a bad guy. The things he has done and seen in life have lead him to believe things that are not all true. He has spent so much time in life pushing that he finally feels alone. Alone, is not what it promises to be.

I know that sometimes you worry about being alone forever. I know that sometimes you want to stay with people you don’t really like because it is easier than always being by yourself. I understand how things look after you stare at them long enough. How sometimes you stare long enough or you hear something so many times that it doesn’t make sense anymore. When things don’t look like they should, it is easy to lose faith, but there is a reason you went and reason you came back.

I want you to know, though I am uncertain if you read this, I appreciate you. It may seem cliche, but there is no one I would rather weather a storm with. I know who you are and what you have done is not who you are. Someday, when you break free of your chains, others will truly get to see you. You will realize that the people you want to love, do want to love you too. You will find the things you seek even though you don’t know you seek them. You will be happy, though now, happiness always seems so far away.

Loneliness is not a disease, it is a symptom of the way we all remove ourselves from everyone else. We build our walls so no one can get in. Sometimes we build them so high, we can’t seem to get out. Tear down your walls and build bridges. Smile each day because you know you want to. Don’t be afraid anymore, everything is going to be wonderful.

Find Our Way

We are not lost, though we seem to be so little in our own eyes. All evil you see, only seems to be. Our light transcends all falsities. We are confused and do evil acts. We rage against them and create more evil. We try to stop evil with punishment and hate and wrongdoings. We have yet to realize that evil is its own punishment. It devours from the inside and eats itself alive. It does not consume the good, it simply blocks it from our eyes for a time. We can’t create peace and goodness through hate and rage but only through love.
Curse not the darkness but be a light unto it. Forget not that you are the light in your darkest moments but shine brightly and darkness can’t stand before you. Lose not sight of what is truly good and important.
Be a light of hope and help those that can not find their way. Do not pass the tear stained faces but stand them on their feet and show them again the path they lost. When all that is left is our light, we will never see another shadow.

Take a Second Look

When all that is left of your life is an echo, what is there to hear? Who were you here? What did you do? Who is better for having known you?

Our effect on those around us is so much more important than it may seem.

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare.” C.S. Lewis
We do not make choices for others. Each of us is not responsible for the actions of others. I believe we do, however, hold a significant responsibility toward one another. We hold hands down the path of life. When one stumbles, instead of being the root on which they trip, we could be the hand that helps them stand.

That is what I mean by taking a second look. Look at your life. Are you the root or the hand? Do you cause others to stumble or do you hold them high?

We are the creators of our world. We allow for good and we allow for evil. If God is real and you lie naked before him, what will he say? What will you have to say for yourself?
When all the trappings of life fade away and the soul underneath is all that remains will you still be beautiful?

It isn’t to late until it is to late. Be the beauty of the world. Do more for others than yourself. Love with all the love you have and give all you have to give.

There is such a beauty in us. There is a depth which can never be measured. We can lose sight of the good so quickly that it seems it was never there at all. Of course this is only an illusion. No matter how far one strays, there is always a way back. The fog may be thick and it seems so hard to see through the tears but the light is so bright, you will see it if you look. So leave your fears in the fray, stand tall and proud in the face of adversity. Let us stand together until the end of our days, so that one day, we can look back and be proud of the lives we lead.

Let us create our heavens here on Earth. Let us give comfort to those that need it and food to those who hunger. There are no political borders to good people. There is no weakness or stupidity in giving to others before taking for ourselves. Be that change you wish to see in the world. Be strong when all others fail. Do not give in.

Holes

I realize the things I write sometimes change topic throughout. That's okay, I still think I'm pretty alright sometimes.

Holes

We reach out sometimes. We long for acceptance to make us feel whole again.

We all have a place we sometimes go. That place inside us where nothing feels right. There is a place that when we think of it, our eyes can’t help but tear up for all the feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and sadness. I’ve always called it a hole. I think everyone has it, that little spot that we try not to face.

Everyone tries to fill the holes. Some with drugs, some with sex or drinking or even God and church. All of these things can be an addiction in some way. We are addicted to the way they make us feel. Like we are somehow better for having done it. So fleeting are the feelings of pleasure we get from these things. These pleasures can only get us so far until the illusions crumble.

Some people try to ignore the holes. They laugh and smile with a heavy heart, always on the verge of breaking down and no one even knows. We hide the holes from each other. So difficult it can be to hide such a great yawning chasm. We each think we are the only one that can’t seem to get by, so we hide our shame that we want for more than the world offers. We hide that we want to be loved so strongly that we can barely take it. We even doubt that such a love can exist.

I think we’ve made a mistake. We always look to fill the hole inside. We search for others to fill it or a way to make the loneliness end.

I would like to put forth that there may be no hole at all. That perhaps the hole is the illusion.

When we look inside ourselves, we often feel less than we are. Each sadness seems an insurmountable monster that we can’t ignore.

When we look into ourselves, this is not what we should see. Though I feel it is what most of us do, it is not what we should. What I believe is the place we find our sadness should be the place we find our strength. Far to often we are detrimentally introspective when instead we can find all the wonderful things we need by just looking inward.

There is power in you and in me. We hold the power to shape our entire lives.

I was thinking on the things I desire. I realized today, and many times before, I don’t know what I want out of life. I think I, like many others, have convinced myself of certain things that in all honesty, are not true. Simply because things are one way, does not mean they can’t be another.

It seems like such a lie some times but we don’t have to be lonely. We don’t have to be sad. We don’t have to look anywhere but inside ourselves to find the things we really, honestly need. After we find those things; everything else, I think, should come easily.
I know I’m going to put this on a website. I don’t know what you will think. I know that things I say can be seen as very personal. I talk about these things for one reason. We don’t need these secrets. We need to know we aren’t alone. We need to know that some times.

We talk on the weather and sports and movies but we always seem to fall short where it really matters. We spend so long trying to fit in and like the same things and fill the silence that we have forgotten what we have known all along. We are the same, you and I. We laugh so hard some times it hurts. We cry some times when no one is looking. We long for acceptance on a deep, non-superficial level. We all don’t want be alone.

Find strength where you would find weakness. Find love where you would find hate. Be today, more than you were yesterday and mostly, don’t forget, though it’s easily done, you’re amazing.

World of Dreamers

Wake in this world of dreamers.
Always walk with open eyes.
Sing softly as you pass the sleeping,
so your song is soft and light.
For angry are those with heavy eyes,
when their slumber is undone.
Though sadly when you wake up,
you may find you're the only one.

Who is God: A Careful Definition of Who We Are to Me.

How to start such a serious matter? My definition of an entire people laid before you to be dissected. I suppose some will disagree with the things I have to say. Some will be offended and not wish to read further. I would say I do not write this for those who would turn away but that would not be the truth. I write this as much for those that will not hear me as to those that will. My hope is that someone will embrace these ideas and nurture them as I am trying to do. Someday, after much care and work, we may have a beautiful garden together.

I am a firm believer that no one hears often enough how wonderful they truly are. So, I want to start by saying how amazing I think you are. I hold you higher than anything else I know. I want more than anything for you to remember that next time you fall on hard times or you are feeling down. In this world, there are people who honestly care for you. There are people that want for nothing but to see a smile light up your face. I want you to know that you are beautiful and oh so bright no matter how the darkness surrounds you.

I know that parts of me struggle. I feel it. I feel that old pull of frustrations and disappointment sometimes. I know that I will occasionally fail at all I am trying to do. I am prepared to feel desperate and hopeless. I cannot prepare for the time I will spend being laughed at and mocked for my way of thinking. I know I will face opposition.

Walking the path is a difficult task. The struggle is the desire to react and hold a grudge. It is difficult to forgive and make it like nothing ever happened. To contain love, forgiveness and understanding in your heart every day is exhausting. It seems strange to me though, I find it is much more difficult now to deny these things than to live them.

I feel, you need to know the source of all the confusion that leads us further from the truth, is us. It is our inability to remember what we are and the power we hold over everything. It is our forgetfulness that leads us astray from the true path. We forget to often all that we can be. We can make life seem so terrible but if we were to be honest with ourselves, every day is a beautiful day. Every day is not to be discovered but to be created by our own hands.
This is where I may lose readers. I have found that it is often our faith that drives us from happiness. It is not faith that has driven us away, but our faith in the wrong hands.

To grow, we must learn. We must learn, even if it is only to learn we were wrong. If you are still with me, I want you to know, it is not my desire to lead you from God. It is simply my wish that you give careful thought to that which you believe and the manner in which you do so. It is my hope that you will remain true to the wonderful values you have learned through your faith. I wish you to lose nothing, only to gain insight into what is truly good and Godly through your own consideration.

I want you to learn for yourself rather than being told. I want you to understand that there is not much else that matters beyond doing what is right. I want you to understand my perspective that it doesn’t matter if God or Hell or Heaven even exist. If you are living a good life and there is a Heaven, surly you will go.

I want you to know that any God I would feel was worthy of consideration would never need to burn you for eternity. We are so much better at making Hell for ourselves than anyone could be. Hell, I think, is a state of mind. Hell is a place of confusion. There are no demons or torture. There is simply a lack of all that is real and good. Physical pain can be ignored. We tell our children of the scary demons to frighten them into obedience. I cannot condone this action. It gives our children a place to point the finger when things go badly. It takes the responsibility from our hands and places it out of our control.

I want you to know this world is the way it is because we allow it to be. We have within us the capacity to change everything. Tomorrow we could end famine and war. Today, we could do the same. This is what I want to tell you about yourself. You can change the world. You can create beauty and wonder like this world has never known.

The definition I hold for us is the same as that of God. We are everything that is good and right. We have in us the one thing that matters, love. Of all the messages of all the religions in all the world, I feel that simple fact is most often ignored. We have within us a peace. We have within ourselves, perfection. We simply need to remember that and live it.

It is such a difficult thing to grasp, that which makes us human. Our feelings and emotions can be broken down and placed into a test tube. The deepest, most intimate parts of our lives seem so easily exploited and placed on display. We seem so easily mislead.

I know that someday, we will figure this all out. If there is a God and he created us in his image, I cannot imagine we look like God on the outside. What use would God have for an arm? If horses had a God surely He would look like a horse. To me, in his image means so much more. You can lose your arm or your leg and you are no less human. You cannot lose goodness, honor or compassion and ever be the same.

I want you to reconsider things. I want you to look again at your life and what it means. I want you to dissect what you believe to be true. You may find that some of the things you hold so dearly are left wanting.

I want you to grow and succeed. I want to watch you smile and laugh until you cry. I want you to know how great you are and I want you to know how great is your place in this world. I want for you everything that I want for me. Never forget what you mean. Never forget what you mean to me and what you should mean to yourself. Never forget you matter, friend.

If I Made a Heaven

This may be wierd but I wrote it to everyone. It was a quick write so I apologize if it isn't as good as it could be. I had to split it up into parts because it is to long.

If I Made a Heaven

If I made a heaven
here is what it’d be.
There would be a place for you
and there would be a place for me.
No one would forget your birthday.
They’d call you every time
Every year you’d get a Christmas present
without standing in a line.

There would always be a hug
whenever you may need.
Time would never matter
so you’d never have to leave.

There would be no lonely nights
when a pillow is all you hold.
We could spend forever in laughter
never to grow old.

If I made a heaven
here is what I’d do.
I’d spend my whole eternity
standing next to you.
I’d build a big house
where we all could live.
I’d spend my every day
giving all I have to give.

If I made a heaven
surely you’d be there.
We’d spend all day together
without a worry or a care.
No one would think it funny
that I cannot live without
those perfect hugs you give
that take away all doubt.

Maybe we’ll get to build it
though we can not figure how.
Maybe we should build it.
Maybe we should start here, now.