Success

I can't decide if I'm and idiot, a genius, weak or strong....

It has been quite some time since I have written anything. The past few months have been a bit of a roller coaster for me. I sit on the verge of losing my house, I can barely make rent at my apt, I am very confused by certain aspects of my life and by certain people right now and I struggle everyday to fit into a place I don’t really feel like I belong.

Through all of these ‘failings’ of late, I have been thinking a lot. What is it that drives me? Why do I do the things I do? How do I end up in these positions? What is it I hope to accomplish or become? What does it truly mean to succeed? Who do I want to be?

I feel I have found some of my answers. I have found them in a place I should have been looking to the entire time. I looked to someone I have known my whole life. I learned many things from them. I learned charity, I learned sacrifice and to put others before self. At times I have mistaken kindness for weakness. That is a mistake I should not make.

It is not weak to suffer for others to rejoice. It is not weak to stand in the mud to lift others high. In-fact, it is quite the opposite. I see that it takes a strong person to watch what they want disappear so they can see a smile in another’s life. It takes a strong person to live with the fear they may not have enough so others can get by.

I have watched this person save lives. I have seen the impact of their deeds. I have seen this person give and never ask. I have seen this person get slighted by the one’s they saved. I have watched this person cry tears of anger, happiness, fear and joy. I have said things to lift this person’s spirit and I have hurt them so many times. We have suffered together. We have cried together and shared our lives’ greatest moments. This person taught me to be a good person. They taught me how to stand while holding others.

Though we both are still learning, I owe my life to you. You have given me everything I know. You have shown me strength I have never seen in another person.

You are a lesson to me still. You have shown me what success really is. Without you, there wouldn’t be as many smiles as there are in the world. Without you, children's lives would have fallen apart. Without you, I would not be the man I am today.

I know that through all of our struggles, everything is going to be wonderful someday. Because of the changes you have made in others, many lives are already wonderful.

I love you mom. Thanks for everything.