Holes

I realize the things I write sometimes change topic throughout. That's okay, I still think I'm pretty alright sometimes.

Holes

We reach out sometimes. We long for acceptance to make us feel whole again.

We all have a place we sometimes go. That place inside us where nothing feels right. There is a place that when we think of it, our eyes can’t help but tear up for all the feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and sadness. I’ve always called it a hole. I think everyone has it, that little spot that we try not to face.

Everyone tries to fill the holes. Some with drugs, some with sex or drinking or even God and church. All of these things can be an addiction in some way. We are addicted to the way they make us feel. Like we are somehow better for having done it. So fleeting are the feelings of pleasure we get from these things. These pleasures can only get us so far until the illusions crumble.

Some people try to ignore the holes. They laugh and smile with a heavy heart, always on the verge of breaking down and no one even knows. We hide the holes from each other. So difficult it can be to hide such a great yawning chasm. We each think we are the only one that can’t seem to get by, so we hide our shame that we want for more than the world offers. We hide that we want to be loved so strongly that we can barely take it. We even doubt that such a love can exist.

I think we’ve made a mistake. We always look to fill the hole inside. We search for others to fill it or a way to make the loneliness end.

I would like to put forth that there may be no hole at all. That perhaps the hole is the illusion.

When we look inside ourselves, we often feel less than we are. Each sadness seems an insurmountable monster that we can’t ignore.

When we look into ourselves, this is not what we should see. Though I feel it is what most of us do, it is not what we should. What I believe is the place we find our sadness should be the place we find our strength. Far to often we are detrimentally introspective when instead we can find all the wonderful things we need by just looking inward.

There is power in you and in me. We hold the power to shape our entire lives.

I was thinking on the things I desire. I realized today, and many times before, I don’t know what I want out of life. I think I, like many others, have convinced myself of certain things that in all honesty, are not true. Simply because things are one way, does not mean they can’t be another.

It seems like such a lie some times but we don’t have to be lonely. We don’t have to be sad. We don’t have to look anywhere but inside ourselves to find the things we really, honestly need. After we find those things; everything else, I think, should come easily.
I know I’m going to put this on a website. I don’t know what you will think. I know that things I say can be seen as very personal. I talk about these things for one reason. We don’t need these secrets. We need to know we aren’t alone. We need to know that some times.

We talk on the weather and sports and movies but we always seem to fall short where it really matters. We spend so long trying to fit in and like the same things and fill the silence that we have forgotten what we have known all along. We are the same, you and I. We laugh so hard some times it hurts. We cry some times when no one is looking. We long for acceptance on a deep, non-superficial level. We all don’t want be alone.

Find strength where you would find weakness. Find love where you would find hate. Be today, more than you were yesterday and mostly, don’t forget, though it’s easily done, you’re amazing.