“Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” Dalai Lama

1. Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”
2. Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
3. Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
4. Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
5. Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”

Who Shall We Become?

Here we are, in a place where I again have a desire to put words to page. I haven’t been in much of a position to think clearly for quite some time. The lack of expression has left me a little worse for it. My mind feels rusty and my thoughts less fluid. It feels good to sit and write, though I seem to have no goal in mind to what I’ll say. I need to get my brain back in the game so I can start on my book again. I have neglected it. Also, it would seem I’m not very good at talking about things that are important to me sometimes but more so, how I feel. It seems to take me some time to think it through and put it in a way I can get across to others.
I’ve been considering today, how often I watch others make the same choices I have regretted in the past. I suppose that is what it sometimes means to grow, to watch mistakes be repeated a thousand times over by those you care about and not be able to do a thing about it. I have been reminded of a post I placed here a while back, the letter to my friend. How he pushed and pushed until he had all the space he thought he wanted and how alone had not lived to the standards it whispered in his ear.
I have made the mistake of leaving things behind that I thought I had no room for. I have regrets. Though I suppose, regrets are not the evil they have been labeled. At the end, I will have regrets. I will know that there were times I could have done better, worked harder for the things I knew to be right. Regrets remind us that we know what the right thing is. Though, it is a shame to realize too late.
I wish I had all the answers, I know I don’t. There are many things I have learned in my life, however. I have learned that the things we think are important, are often not. I have learned that laughing is the best thing ever and that tears have their place in life. There are a thousand things from which you feel you will never recover, you will. I have learned that you should give love to those you wish to, no matter what they think, but don’t be used or mistreated. If someone offers you love, take it, you can never have too much. If you don’t, you may miss out on the best thing you’ve known.
I know for certain, that I want to spend the rest of my life being the best person I can be. I want to treat others better than others think they deserve. I want to live the rest of my life taking chances. I want to place myself in the fray, I want to laugh, I want to ensure that I am never again a source of sadness or hurt in the life of another. I know what that sounds like, but I’m not concerned with outside opinion as far as that is concerned. I have done my damage and I want so badly to be done with that. Though, as I’ve said, kindness should never be mistaken for weakness. It is often much more difficult than cruelty.
I don’t know where I will end up. I never pictured living in Ohio for the rest of my adult life. I have nothing against it but I deeply miss adventure and the beauty of the world. I miss places where people can’t pronounce my name and I have no idea what they’re saying. I miss standing on beaches on islands and cities who’s names I can’t pronounce. I miss blank stares when speaking English. I miss not feeling so small. So few I know have seen the world as I have and I have not seen it as any other. Our experiences and choices we make create the people we become. We are a summation of the choices we make, for better or worse.

Sometimes, it is simply too difficult to know what is the right thing, I get that.

To quote an amazing movie “The universe will expand, then it will collapse back on itself, then will expand again. It will repeat this process forever. What you don't you know is that when the universe expands again, everything will be as it is now. Whatever mistakes you make this time around, you will live through on your next pass. Every mistake you make, you will live through again, & again, forever. So my advice to you is to get it right this time around. Because this time is all you have.” Prot - KPAX

Jumper

A few days ago, I stood at the edge of a cliff. I stared into the distance and wondered on what the people who lived there so long ago thought about in the place I stood. I crouched and peered down to ground below, where I had dropped my water bottle. I was waiting for a friend to circle the cliff and wait for me at the bottom. I planned to slide down the cliff and hopefully land unscathed at the bottom.

The friend on whom I was waiting had once tried the same thing. He had slid faster than he imagined he was going to, hit the rocks near the bottom and tumbled the rest of the way down the cliff. He didn’t break anything but he was hurt. He asked me to wait at the top until he circled around and could catch me if I too, slid to quickly.

While he was walking around, being who I am, it certainly crossed my mind to slide down rather than wait, but wait I did. He got to the place we expected me to land and I began my slide. I was wearing crocs and was not prepared for the amount of speed I would gain so quickly on my decent. When I hit the bottom with my feet, I hit my shoulder into the cliff wall to slow myself. It wasn’t enough to stop me. Thankfully, he was there to catch me or I certainly may have shared his previous fate.

It is a rare thing to find a friend who is there to catch you when you fall. It is a rare person indeed who will teach from their failings without pretense but with a genuine concern for another. I am lucky to have such a good friend.

I recognize how difficult it is to be in certain positions in life. I know that at times, the struggle does not seem worth the results. The simple fact is, the world needs heroes, it needs good people. We don’t get spider man or superman, we get good men and women. We get good friends to comfort us, to talk to without judgment. We get good times and video games. We get nights out at bars with people that you know have your back. We get to treat others how we would like to be treated, even if we aren’t treated so well. Good people get to sit back with the simple knowledge, that no matter what anyone would have done for them, they did the right thing. Some times that hurts but they have the strength to over come. My friend, you have the strength to over come.

No matter what else, you have been a good friend and have shown me a person that does more good than harm. I have met a person that would be a good person, even in a world without consequence. I said in another post that I have confused kindness for weakness in my life. I have admitted how wrong I was and I hope that you know the difference as well. Thanks for all you do.

Success

I can't decide if I'm and idiot, a genius, weak or strong....

It has been quite some time since I have written anything. The past few months have been a bit of a roller coaster for me. I sit on the verge of losing my house, I can barely make rent at my apt, I am very confused by certain aspects of my life and by certain people right now and I struggle everyday to fit into a place I don’t really feel like I belong.

Through all of these ‘failings’ of late, I have been thinking a lot. What is it that drives me? Why do I do the things I do? How do I end up in these positions? What is it I hope to accomplish or become? What does it truly mean to succeed? Who do I want to be?

I feel I have found some of my answers. I have found them in a place I should have been looking to the entire time. I looked to someone I have known my whole life. I learned many things from them. I learned charity, I learned sacrifice and to put others before self. At times I have mistaken kindness for weakness. That is a mistake I should not make.

It is not weak to suffer for others to rejoice. It is not weak to stand in the mud to lift others high. In-fact, it is quite the opposite. I see that it takes a strong person to watch what they want disappear so they can see a smile in another’s life. It takes a strong person to live with the fear they may not have enough so others can get by.

I have watched this person save lives. I have seen the impact of their deeds. I have seen this person give and never ask. I have seen this person get slighted by the one’s they saved. I have watched this person cry tears of anger, happiness, fear and joy. I have said things to lift this person’s spirit and I have hurt them so many times. We have suffered together. We have cried together and shared our lives’ greatest moments. This person taught me to be a good person. They taught me how to stand while holding others.

Though we both are still learning, I owe my life to you. You have given me everything I know. You have shown me strength I have never seen in another person.

You are a lesson to me still. You have shown me what success really is. Without you, there wouldn’t be as many smiles as there are in the world. Without you, children's lives would have fallen apart. Without you, I would not be the man I am today.

I know that through all of our struggles, everything is going to be wonderful someday. Because of the changes you have made in others, many lives are already wonderful.

I love you mom. Thanks for everything.

What Roads Lead Here?

I thought I would take a little bit of your time and tell you parts of what has lead me to the things I write here. I figure if you are still reading up to this point, you may just be interested in what I have to say. I am glad, I hope I help you down the best path for you. It isn't all here. Some things are to personal to share with the world. Only a few people know most of what there is to know and that is good enough for me. Some things in this are repeats from older posts but that is because this was the first thing I wrote along these lines. I have stolen from it since. Here goes:

I was raised as a Pentecostal. My mother was never super religious but most of my family is. I went to church fairly often and was a youth group kid. I really enjoyed the time spent with others in my age group; attending church lock ins and going to camp. The thing is, as I grew, I began to question the reasons we all gathered. As I made my way into the more adult like groups of the church, I saw and heard the gossip and the hypocrisy. I grew frustrated with the type of representation that God had here on the earth. My frustrations soon turned to doubt. ‘How could any being so powerful have so little control over what is done in its name?’ I wondered.

For that matter, it seemed to have little control over anything at all. I began to consider all that had happened in the world. I thought on all the things between the beginning of recorded history and now. I cried at the thoughts of the things I had seen in my time and could not begin to grasp at the understanding of horrors I had never faced. I thought on orphans and drug addicts. I pondered wars and hatred. I knew of slavery and saw racism. I began to rage that I was created without my approval.

I began to think of God in this way. If you were to see the one you hold most dear drowning in a lake and all you had to do was walk out and pick them up to save them, would you do it? It would have been such a simple task for God to save us all from drowning and yet our lungs are so full of water that we can’t breath. He could walk into this lake and take us to shore. Yet, he never does.

My doubts had become anger. I saw God for what he was and I hated him for it. I hated him for what we all are.

As is our nature, I could not rage forever. The fiery core of my soul began to cool and the hot embers of rage were exchanged for disbelief.

In all my frustrations and anger I never stopped to realize what it meant for me. I had never heard nor thought of caring for my soul. It was a thing intangible. I believed I had as little control over it as anything else in life.

None of the hate had ever made my life better.

I stayed awake at night, contemplating for hours on this. It was in my head and making me feel insane. It was all I thought about, it was the only thing I could concentrate on. I was consumed with this one simple thought; I should be better.

I have seen that great chasm that stretches between us and understanding. I have felt that yearning to scream that secret we all hold from the top of every mountain. I have felt great joys and seen great tragedy. I understand, and I too want to hold the belief that it all, somehow, matters.

I had heard, many years ago, a quote by which I claimed to want to live.
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Ghandi
I realized, I had never been living up this standard. I hadn’t been living up to my own standards in a long time. I have always wanted to be a better person. I’ve wanted to be significant. I wanted to recognize the significance of others. I now realize that we are all significant. We all help lead one another down our paths.

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare.” Lewis

I want to say, I understand. I know how easily the anger is fueled and how overwhelming and powerful it can be. I have said out loud how much I hate God and I have said how foolish people are to worship or even believe. I have hated people for these things. Though religion has not held for many years nor will ever hold again a place of respect in my chest, I now understand how needless the anger is. I see that, truly, the way to understanding is to teach, learn and grow together. We must never again shout our hatreds from the tops of our roofs but speak gently and with love. The path to wisdom does never meet that of hate but holds steady and strong in the face of our demons.

I do not believe in any man's God or gods or whatever but I will say that I have begun to see the possibility of God in a new light. No longer is he corrupted by the thoughts and actions of man but he is an observer or a conglomeration of all life. He sends no Hell fires burning to us nor does he look away. I understand now that, if God exists, he does watch us drown but it is up to us to swim to shore. We were given a dry lake bed and chose to stand in it while the waters rose. We are the creators of our world. We can choose tomorrow to end all wars and hunger. Instead, it seems we yearn to taste the bitter waters and feel it burn as we take that one last breath and sink into the darkness. All the while God waits to reach into the depths and pull us from the mire of our creation and to again allow our lights to shine.

After careful thought and much consideration, I have chosen to swim to shore and be that change I wish to see in the world. Thank you.

The Secret of Life

The secret of life is to have no secrets. To hold in darkness is to give it life and allow it to consume. To hold in joy and love is to smother a beautiful light that should be shared with the world.

We long to love and say how much we do. We long to touch the hand of a lover that we can’t get out of our minds. We long to share that moment of admittance as we stare into each other’s eyes for that first long time. For that first kiss we would do anything. Alas, I say, for the moments we long to share are forever lost to fear.

Instead of an embrace, we wave and say, “Hey.” Instead of a kiss, we simply walk away. Our looks linger just a moment to long. We say each other’s names when there is no need.

I know we have all felt this way. To love is not a shame, to hide it truly is the only sin.

Fear is the great divide between us and our truest desires. Fear of feeling a lack of acceptance, embarrassment or of being misunderstood. We limit our possibilities because we do not understand the reward for our risk. Our societies have placed limits on our ability to feel and understand each other. We stand alone for fear of breaking societal normalcy. Fear is a cage that does not allow us to grow.

If we need to weep, we should weep. If we need to scream, we should scream. If we love, we should admit it every chance we get. Love like there is no tomorrow, like there is nothing else in the world that matters.

The past is sometimes brutal but do not allow it to rule. We can not lose our hearts to lies. We can not lose our lives to fear. Learn from the past, do not settle into living for it. Do not be a slave to what was because there are so many better things that can be.

Dear Friend

It has been a while since I have written for the eyes of others. This is a thing I considered not posting. I think it is important though, to help us sometimes remember how others see the world. Sometimes we need to remember the humanity in others. If we carry burdens together, they are no longer to much to hold.

I was recently asked a question that broke my heart a little. I was asked “Do you think anyone will ever appreciate me?” by an old friend. This friend has been through a lot in life. A terrible life, by no means, but a difficult one at times.

You see, we talk about things that really matter. We share stories and thoughts that no one else will ever know. We have been through many ordeals together. Many times we have been the only rock the other has known.

He thinks he is a bad guy. The things he has done and seen in life have lead him to believe things that are not all true. He has spent so much time in life pushing that he finally feels alone. Alone, is not what it promises to be.

I know that sometimes you worry about being alone forever. I know that sometimes you want to stay with people you don’t really like because it is easier than always being by yourself. I understand how things look after you stare at them long enough. How sometimes you stare long enough or you hear something so many times that it doesn’t make sense anymore. When things don’t look like they should, it is easy to lose faith, but there is a reason you went and reason you came back.

I want you to know, though I am uncertain if you read this, I appreciate you. It may seem cliche, but there is no one I would rather weather a storm with. I know who you are and what you have done is not who you are. Someday, when you break free of your chains, others will truly get to see you. You will realize that the people you want to love, do want to love you too. You will find the things you seek even though you don’t know you seek them. You will be happy, though now, happiness always seems so far away.

Loneliness is not a disease, it is a symptom of the way we all remove ourselves from everyone else. We build our walls so no one can get in. Sometimes we build them so high, we can’t seem to get out. Tear down your walls and build bridges. Smile each day because you know you want to. Don’t be afraid anymore, everything is going to be wonderful.