Who Shall We Become?

Here we are, in a place where I again have a desire to put words to page. I haven’t been in much of a position to think clearly for quite some time. The lack of expression has left me a little worse for it. My mind feels rusty and my thoughts less fluid. It feels good to sit and write, though I seem to have no goal in mind to what I’ll say. I need to get my brain back in the game so I can start on my book again. I have neglected it. Also, it would seem I’m not very good at talking about things that are important to me sometimes but more so, how I feel. It seems to take me some time to think it through and put it in a way I can get across to others.
I’ve been considering today, how often I watch others make the same choices I have regretted in the past. I suppose that is what it sometimes means to grow, to watch mistakes be repeated a thousand times over by those you care about and not be able to do a thing about it. I have been reminded of a post I placed here a while back, the letter to my friend. How he pushed and pushed until he had all the space he thought he wanted and how alone had not lived to the standards it whispered in his ear.
I have made the mistake of leaving things behind that I thought I had no room for. I have regrets. Though I suppose, regrets are not the evil they have been labeled. At the end, I will have regrets. I will know that there were times I could have done better, worked harder for the things I knew to be right. Regrets remind us that we know what the right thing is. Though, it is a shame to realize too late.
I wish I had all the answers, I know I don’t. There are many things I have learned in my life, however. I have learned that the things we think are important, are often not. I have learned that laughing is the best thing ever and that tears have their place in life. There are a thousand things from which you feel you will never recover, you will. I have learned that you should give love to those you wish to, no matter what they think, but don’t be used or mistreated. If someone offers you love, take it, you can never have too much. If you don’t, you may miss out on the best thing you’ve known.
I know for certain, that I want to spend the rest of my life being the best person I can be. I want to treat others better than others think they deserve. I want to live the rest of my life taking chances. I want to place myself in the fray, I want to laugh, I want to ensure that I am never again a source of sadness or hurt in the life of another. I know what that sounds like, but I’m not concerned with outside opinion as far as that is concerned. I have done my damage and I want so badly to be done with that. Though, as I’ve said, kindness should never be mistaken for weakness. It is often much more difficult than cruelty.
I don’t know where I will end up. I never pictured living in Ohio for the rest of my adult life. I have nothing against it but I deeply miss adventure and the beauty of the world. I miss places where people can’t pronounce my name and I have no idea what they’re saying. I miss standing on beaches on islands and cities who’s names I can’t pronounce. I miss blank stares when speaking English. I miss not feeling so small. So few I know have seen the world as I have and I have not seen it as any other. Our experiences and choices we make create the people we become. We are a summation of the choices we make, for better or worse.

Sometimes, it is simply too difficult to know what is the right thing, I get that.

To quote an amazing movie “The universe will expand, then it will collapse back on itself, then will expand again. It will repeat this process forever. What you don't you know is that when the universe expands again, everything will be as it is now. Whatever mistakes you make this time around, you will live through on your next pass. Every mistake you make, you will live through again, & again, forever. So my advice to you is to get it right this time around. Because this time is all you have.” Prot - KPAX